You know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I go get and beat you with 'til you understand who's in ruttin' command here.
  - Jayne, Firefly, "The Train Job"

Mal: This is why we lost you know, superior numbers.
Zoe: Thanks for the reenactment, sir.
  - Mal to Zoe, Firefly

Inara: What did I tell you about barging into my shuttle?
  Mal: That it was manly and impulsive?
Inara: Yes, exactly, only the exact phrase I used was "don't".
  - Inara to Mal, Firefly, "The Train Job"

Kaylee, what the hell's going on in the engine room? Were there monkeys? Some terrifying space monkeys maybe got loose?
  - Mal, Firefly

Niska: Oh, you do not like I kill this man?
  Mal: No, I'm sure he was a... very bad person.
Niska: My wife's nephew. At dinner I am getting earful.
  - Niska to Mal, Firefly

He's not the first psycho to hire us nor the last. You think that's a commentary on us?
  - Mal, Firefly

Sir, I think you have a problem with your brain being missing.
  - Zoe, Firefly

Time for some thrilling heroics
  - Jayne, Firefly

'Yes... this is a fertile land, and we will thrive. We will rule over all this land, and we will call it... this land.' 'I think we should call it your grave.' 'Ah. Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal.' 'Hahaha. Mine is an evil laugh.  Now die!' '
  - Wash playing with dinosaurs, Firefly, "Serenity I"

  Mal: Can't get paid if you're dead.
Jayne: Can't get paid if you crawl away like a bitty little bug neither. I got a share of this job. Ten percent of nothin' is, let me do the math here... nothin' and a nothin', carry the nothin'...
  - Mal to Jayne, Firefly, "Serenity I"

They'll rape us to death, eat our flesh and sew our skin to their clothes. And if we're very, very lucky, they'll do it in that order.
  - Zoe, Firefly, "Serenity II"

You know, they tell ya to never hit a man with a closed fist but it is, on occasion, hilarious.
  - Mal, Firefly, "The Train Job"

If you take sexual advantage of her, you're going to burn in a very special level of Hell, a level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.
  - Book, Firefly, "Our Mrs. Reynolds"

Oh, don't worry honey, he makes everybody cry. He's like a monster.
  - Kaylee, Firefly, "Our Mrs. Reynolds"

River: Little soul, big world. Eat, sleep, and eat. Many souls.
  Mal: Cattle on the ship three weeks, she don't go near 'em. Suddenly we're on Jianying, and she's got a driving need to commune with the beasts?
River: They weren't cows inside. They were waiting to be, but they forgot. Now they see sky, and they remember what they are.
  Mal: Is it bad that what she said makes perfect sense to me?
  - River and Mal, Firefly

"Dear diary: Today I was pompous and my sister was crazy... Today we were kidnapped by hill folk, never to be seen again. It was the best day ever."
  - Jayne reading Simon's diary, Firefly, "Safe"

   Zoe: Captain'll come up with a plan.
Kaylee: Well, that's good... right?
   Zoe: Possibly you're not recalling some of his previous plans.
  - Kaylee and Zoe, Firefly, "Safe"

Mal: Appears we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us?
Zoe: Big damn heroes, sir.
Mal: Ain' we just.
  - Mal to Zoe, Firefly, "Safe"

Kaylee: How was your checkup?
 Inara: The same as last year. What's going on here?
Kaylee: Let's see. We killed Simon and River. Stole a bunch of medicine. And now the captain and Zoe are off springin' the others who got snatched by the feds. Here they are now.
  - Kaylee and Inara, Firefly, "Ariel"

 Wash: Could you please tell my wife the fun she's missing out on?
Inara: Ariel's a nice place, actually. There are some beautiful museums, not to mention some of the finest restaurants in the Core.
 Wash: But... not boring, like she made it sound.
  - Wash and Inara, Firefly, "Ariel"

 Wash: So... two days in a hospital. That's awful. Don't you just hate doctors?
Simon: Hey.
 Wash: I mean, present company excluded.
Jayne: Let's not be excluding people. That'd be rude.
  - Wash, Simon and Jayne, Firefly

He looks better in red.
  - River, Firefly

Figures - first time in the Core, and what do I get to do? Dig through trash. Why couldn't he send me shopping at the Tri-plex, or - ooh.. Synchronizers!
  - Kaylee, Firefly, "Ariel"

The next time you decide to stab me in the back, have the guts to do it to my face.
  - Mal, Firefly, "Ariel"

 Zoe: Shepard, isn't the Bible kind of specific about killing?
Book: Very specific. It is, however, somewhat fuzzy around the area of kneecaps.
  - Zoe to Book, Firefly, "War Stories"

I'll be in my bunk.
  - Jayne, Firefly, "War Stories"

No power in the 'verse can stop me.
  - River, Firefly, "War Stories"

  Mal: I know it's a difficult mission, but you and I have to get it on.
  Zoe: I understand. We have no choice. Take me sir. Take me hard.
Jayne: Now somethin' about that is just downright unsettlin'.
  - Mal, Zoe and Jayne, Firefly, "War Stories"

Simon: I've never shot anyone before.
 Book: I was there, son. I'm fair sure you haven't shot anyone yet.
  - Simon and Book, Firefly, "War Stories"

Ah, the pitter-patter of little feet in combat boots... SHUT UP!
  - Mal, Firefly, "War Stories"

Wash: Psychic? Sounds like something out of science fiction.
 Zoe: We live on a spaceship, dear.
Wash: So?
  - Wash and Zoe, Firefly, "Objects in Space"

Jayne: So, like, never?
 Book: Well, no.
Jayne: Not ever, never?
 Book: Some orders allow shepherds to marry, but I follow a narrower path.
Jayne: But you still got the urge. They don't... cut it off or nothin'?
 Book: No, I'm more or less intact. I just direct my energy elsewhere.
Jayne: You mean like masturbatin'?
  - Jayne and Book, Firefly, "Objects in Space"

Wash: Little River just gets more colourful by the moment. What'll she do next?
 Zoe: Either blow us all up or rub soup in her hair. It's a toss-up.
Wash: I hope she does the soup thing. It's always a hoot, and we don't all die from it.
  - Wash and Zoe, Firefly, "Objects in Space"

Let's move this conversation in a not-Jayne's-fault direction.
  - Jayne, Firefly, "Objects in Space"

  Zoe: Sir, I know she's unpredictable, but I don't think she'd harm anyone.
Jayne: Butcher's knife.
  Zoe: Anyone we can't spare.
  - Zoe and Jayne, Firefly, "Objects in Space"

If wishes were horses, we'd all be eatin' steak.
  - Jayne, Firefly, "Objects in Space"

Book: People like a man of God.
 Mal: No they don't. Men of God make people feel guilty and judged.
  - Book and Mal, Firefly

Jayne, your mouth is talking. You might want to see to that.
  - Mal, Firefly, "Serenity I"

  Mal: You've only got to scare him.
Jayne: Pain is scary.
  - Mal and Jayne, Firefly

      Simon: You're out of your mind.
Jubel Early: That's between me and my mind.
  - Simon and the bountyhunter, Firefly, "Objects in Space"

  Mal: You know, you ain't quite right.
River: It's a popular theory.
  - Mal and River, Firefly, "Objects in Space"

I've been in a firefight. Well, I was in a fire. Actually, I was fired from a fry-cook opportunity.
  - Wash, Firefly, "War Stories"

  Mal: Now all we need are some patients.
Simon: Corpses. For this to work River and I will have to be dead.
Jayne: I'm starting to like this plan.
  - Mal, Simon and Jayne, Firefly

  Mal: Looks can be deceiving.
Jayne: Not as deceiving as a low down, dirty deceiver.
  Mal: Well said. Wasn't that well said, Zoe?
  Zoe: It had a kinda poetry to it sir.
  - Mal, Jayne and Zoe, Firefly, "Out of Gas"

Jubel Early: You ever been shot?
      Simon: No.
Jubel Early: You oughta be shot. Or stabbed, lose a leg. To be a surgeon, you know? Know what kind of pain you're dealing with. They make psychiatrists get psychoanalysed before they can get certified, but they don't make a surgeon get cut on. That seem right to you?
  - Simon and the bountyhunter, Firefly, "Objects in Space"

Don't you just love this party? Everything's so fancy, and there's some kind of hot cheese over there.
  - Kaylee, Firefly, "Shindig"

Jayne: Are you saying River's a witch?
 Wash: Yes, Jayne, she's a witch. She's had congress with the Beast.
Jayne: She's in Congress?
 Wash: How did your brain even learn human speech?
  - Jayne and Wash, Firefly, "Objects in Space"

Inara: It sounds like something this crew can handle. I can't guarantee they'll handle it particularly well.
Nandi: If they've got guns and brains at all...
Inara: They've got guns.
  - Inara and Nandi, Firefly

Jayne: Don't see much point getting involved in other people's trouble's without an up front price negotiation.
  Zoe: As I said, no one's forcing you to go, this job is purely speculative.
Jayne: Good, don't know these people don't care to.
  Mal: They're whores.
Jayne: I'm in.
  - Jayne, Zoe and Mal, Firefly

Also, I can kill you with my brain.
  - River, Firefly, "Trash"

We're not gonna die. We can't die, Bendis. You know why? Because we are so very pretty. We are just too pretty for God to let us die.
  - Mal, Firefly, "Serenity I"

Book: Captain, do you mind if I say grace?
 Mal: Only if you say it out loud.
  - Book and Mal, Firefly, "Serenity I"

Simon: What do you pay him for?
  Mal: What?
Simon: I was just wondering what (Jayne's) job was on the ship.
  Mal: Public relations.
  - Simon and Mal, Firefly, "Serenity I"

 Zoe: Sir, I'd like you to take the helm, please. I need this man to tear all my clothes off.
Wash: Work, work.
  - Zoe and Wash, Firefly, "Serenity II"

  Mal: How come you didn't turn on me, Jayne?
Jayne: Money wasn't good enough.
  Mal: What happens when it is?
Jayne: Well, that'll be an interesting day.
  Mal: Imagine it will.
  - Mal and Jayne, Firefly, "Serenity II"

Simon: I'm trying to put this as delicately as I can. How do I know you won't kill me in my sleep?
  Mal: You don't know know me, son, so let me explain this to you once. If I ever kill you, you'll be awake, you'll be facing me, and you'll be armed.
Simon: Are you always this sentimental?
  Mal: Had a good day.
Simon: You had the Alliance on you, criminals and savages. Half the people on the ship have been shot or wounded, including yourself, and you're harbouring known fugitives.
  Mal: We're still flying.
Simon: That's not much.
  Mal: It's enough.
  - Simon and Mal, Firefly, "Serenity II"

  Zoe: Mercy, Forgiveness, Trust... those are things he left back there. What he has now is the ship, the ship and us on it.
Simon: If that battle was so horrible, why did he name the ship after it?
  Zoe: Once you've been in Serenity you never leave, you just learn to live there.
    - Zoe to Simon, Firefly, "Serenity, original pilot"

Kaylee: Is that him?
   Mal: That's the buffet table.
Kaylee: How will we know unless we question it?
   Mal: Just don't make yourself sick.
  - Kaylee and Mal, Firefly, "Shindig"

Up until the punching it was a real nice party.
  - Kaylee, Firefly, "Shindig"

Mercy is the mark of a great man. (poke) I guess I'm just a good man. (poke) Well, I'm alright.
  - Mal sparing Atherton, Firefly, "Shindig"

Jayne: We was just about to spring into action, Captain. Complicated escape and rescue op.
 Wash: Very exciting. I was going to watch.
  - Jayne and Wash, Firefly, "Shindig"

Here lies my beloved Zoe, my autumn flower. Somewhat less attractive now that she's all corpsified and gross.
  - Wash, Firefly, "Shindig"

What a lovely dress. It must have taken a dozen slaves a dozen days to get you into it. Of course, your daddy tells me it takes the space of a schoolboy's wink to get you out of it again.
  - a gentleman, Firefly, "Shindig"

Book: I might be needing a preacher.
 Mal: That's good, you just lie there and be ironical.
  - Book and Mal, Firefly, "Safe"

Simon: Captain, why did you come back for us?
  Mal: You're on my crew.
Simon: Yeah, but you don't even like me. Why'd you come back?
  Mal: You're on my crew. Why are we still talking about this?
  - Simon and Mal, Firefly, "Safe"

You don't stand for that! Someone tries and kill you, you kill them right back.
  - Mal to Saffron, Firefly, "Our Mrs. Reynolds"

Well, my days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle.
  - Mal to Jayne, Firefly, "Our Mrs. Reynolds"

 Mal: What was she after?
Book: Besides molesting innocent captains?
  - Mal and Book, Firefly, "Our Mrs. Reynolds"

Inara: Mal, you don't have to die alone.
  Mal: Everyone dies alone.
  - Inara to Mal, Firefly, "Out of Gas"

Jayne: Hey, you know, we'd have been back first but there's something wrong with Inara's shuttle. She did something to it, Mal - it smells funny.
Inara: I told you, that's incense.
Jayne: That's what you say.
  - Jayne and Inara, Firefly, "Out of Gas"

Simon: What about cortical electrodes?
Jayne: We, uh, used them electro...magnetic...Hell, I don't know. If I wanted schooling, I'd have gone to school.
  - Simon and Jayne, Firefly, "Ariel"

River: She's a liar, and no good will come of her.
Jayne: Well, as a rule, I say girlfolk ain't to be trusted.
River: Jayne is a girl's name.
Jayne: Well, Jayne ain't a girl. She starts in on that girl's name thing, I'll show her good and all I got man parts.
Simon: I am trying to think of a way for you to be cruder...it's just...not coming...
  - River, Jayne and Simon, Firefly, "Trash"

I appreciate your honesty...not, you know..a lot...but...
  - Durin, Firefly, "Trash"

I saw you without your clothes on once. I never thought I'd see you naked.
  - Mal to Saffron/Bridget/Yolanda, Firefly, "Trash"

Kaylee: Good work, cap'n.
   Mal: Thank you, Kaylee. Good day...
  - Kaylee to a naked Mal, Firefly, "Trash"

Everybody dies, Tracey. Somebody's carrying a bullet for you right now and doesn't even know it. The trick is to die of old age before it finds you.
  - Mal to Tracey, Firefly, "The Message"

Mmm. Wife soup.
  - Wash, Firefly, "War Stories"

You don't fix faith River. Faith fixes you.
  - Book to River, Firefly

Firefly is the source of probably more joy and pain than anything I've done.
  - Joss Whedon

Now think real hard. You've been bird-dogging this township a while now. They wouldn't mind a corpse of you. Now you can luxuriate in a nice jail cell, but if your hand touches metal, I swear by my pretty floral bonnet, I will end you.
  - Mal, Firefly, "Our Mrs. Reynolds"

What could it be, we're all doomed, who's flying this thing?!?! Oh, that would be me.
  - Wash, Firefly, "Bushwhacked"

I reattached a girl's leg. Her whole leg. She named her hamster after me. I got a hamster. He drops a box of money, he gets a town.
  - Simon, Firefly, "Jaynestown"

Patron: "That girl is a witch!"
   Mal: Yeah, but she's our witch. So cut her the hell down.
  - a crazy man and Mal, Firefly, "Safe"

Jayne: Saint Jayne - Its got a ring to it!
 Book: I'm just tryin to remember how many miracles you,ve performed.
Jayne: I once hit a guy in the neck from 500 yards with a bent scope, dont that count upstairs?
 Book: Oh i'm sure it'll be taken into consideration.
  - Jayne and Book, Firefly, "Objects in Space"

Sheriff: You were truthful back in town, these are tough times. A man can get a job, he might not look too close at what that job is. But a man learns all the details of a situation like ours, well, then he has a choice
    Mal: I don't believe he does.
  - Sheriff to Mal, Firefly, "The Train Job"

I like smackin' 'em
  - Janye on cattle, Firefly, "Safe"

It was my birthday
  - Simon, Firefly, "Out of Gas"

You turn on any of my crew, you turn on me.
  - Mal to Jayne, Firefly, "Ariel"

Light it.
  - Simon willing to die with his sister, Firefly, "Safe"

Make something up. Don't tell 'em what I did.
  - Jayne on his own betrayal, Firefly, "Ariel"

Jayne, you'll scare the women
  - Zoe, Firefly, "Bushwhacked"

You know, with the exception of one deadly and unpredictable midget, this girl is the smallest cargo I've ever had to transport, yet by far the most troublesome. Does that seem right to you?
  - Jubal Early, Firefly, "Objects in Space"

She understands. She doesn't comprehend.
  - River, Firefly, "Objects in Space"

When you can't run no more you crawl. When you can't do that, you find someone to carry you.
  - Mal, Firefly, "The Message"

 Jayne: Captain, can you please stop her from being cheerful?
   Mal: I don't believe there is a power in the 'verse that can stop Kaylee from being cheerful. Sometimes you just wanna duct tape her mouth and dump her in the hold for a month.
Kaylee: I love my captain.
  - Jayne, Mal and Kaylee, Firefly, "Serenity I"

Everywhere I go, his eyes keep followin' me...
  - Kaylee on Jayne's statue, Firefly, "Jaynestown"

Kaylee: Wash, tell me I'm pretty.
  Wash: Were I unwed I would take you in a man-like fashion.
Kaylee: 'Cause I'm pretty?
  Wash: 'Cause you're pretty.
  - Wash and Kaylee, Firefly, "Heart of Gold"

Jubel Early: Where'd (River) go?
      Simon: I can't keep track of her when she's not incorporeally possessing a spaceship - don't look at me.
  - Jubel Early and Simon, Firefly, "Objects in Space"

Jubel Early: You're all insane.
      Simon: My sister's a ship. We had a fairly complicated childhood.
  - Jubel Early and Simon, Firefly, "Objects in Space"

River: What am I?
Simon: You are my beautiful sister.
River: I threw up on your bed.
Simon: Yep, definitely my sister.
  - River and Simon, Firefly, "War Stories"

You wouldn't spare Zoe in this situation. You would be planning and plotting, and possibly scheming.
  - Wash, Firefly, "War Stories"

As with other situations, the key seems to be giving Jayne a heavy stick and standing back.
  - Inara, Firefly, "Shindig"

Jayne: Tell us where the stuff is so I can shoot you.
  Mal: Point of interest. Offering to shoot us might not work so well as an incentive as you might imagine.
  - Jayne and Mal, Firefly, "Out of Gas"

You're like...a trained ape. Without the training.
  - Simon on Jayne, Firefly, "Jaynestown"

We'd always hoped you two'd get together. Who is she again?
  - Wash on Mal and his new "wife", Firefly, "Our Mrs. Reynolds"

Remember that sex were going to have... ever?
  - Zoe to Wash, Firefly, "Our Mrs. Reynolds"

Saffron: You're a good man.
    Mal: You clearly haven't been talking to anyone else on this boat.
  - Saffron and Mal, Firefly, "Our Mrs. Reynolds"

I wish I was somebody else right now. Somebody not married, somebody not madly in love with a beautiful woman who can kill me with her pinky.
  - Wash, Firefly, "Our Mrs. Reynolds"

Okay, everybody else not talking about sex, in here. Everyone else, out there.
  - Wash, Firefly, "Our Mrs. Reynolds"

One day you're going to tell us how a preacher knows so much about crime.
  - Jayne on Book, Firefly, "Our Mrs. Reynolds"

Saffron: Are you going to kill me?
    Mal: Can you give me a terribly compelling reason not to?
  - Saffron and Mal, Firefly, "Our Mrs. Reynolds"

Wash, we got some local colour happening. A grand entrance would not go amiss.
  - Mal, Firefly, "The Train Job"

Every planet has its own weird customs... I spent six weeks on a moon where the principal form of recreation was juggling geese... Baby geese.  Goslings. They were juggled.
  - Wash, Firefly, "Our Mrs. Reynolds"

I hate to bring up our imminent arrest in the middle of your CRAZY TIME, but we have to leave, now.
  - Mal to Saffron/Bridget/Yolanda, Firefly, "Trash"

  Mal: Are you offering me a trade?
Jayne: A trade? Hell, it's practically theft. This here's the finest gun made by man, it's lots better than what you got.
  Mal: What I got? She has a name.
Jayne: So does this! I call her Vera.
  - Jayne attempting to trade his best gun with Mal for Saffron, Firefly, "Our Mrs. Reynolds"

Simon: The captian's a good fighter, I'm sure he knows how to use a sword...
  Zoe: I think he knows which end to hold.
  - Simon and Zoe, Firefly, "Shindig"

Simon: This may come as a surprise, but I'm not very good at talking to girls.
  Zoe: Why, is there someone you are good at talking to?
  - Simon and Zoe, Firefly, "The Message"

 Simon: What're we doing?
Kaylee: Oh. Crime.
  - Simon and Kaylee, Firefly, "The Train Job"

Niska: You died, Mr. Reynolds.
  Mal: Seemed like the thing to do.
  - Niska torturing Mal, Firefly, "War Stories"

Listen, if you've got guests, I can come back later.
  - Mal, Firefly, "War Stories"

Didn't I hear something about black market beagles? Don't they have smallish droppings?
  - Mal, Firefly, "Safe"

Well isn't that something? ....I knew you let her kiss you
  - Mal to Inara, Firefly, "Our Mrs. Reynolds"

I'm waiting to see if I pass out
  - Mal, Firefly, "Heart of Gold"

Only fluid I see is the puddle of piss refusing to pay us our wage
  - Jayne, Firefly, "Serenity"

This here's a recipe for unpleasantness.
  - Mal taking a gun from River, Firefly, "Objects in Space"

Bible's broken. Contradictions, false logistics - doesn't make sense.
  - River, Firefly, "Jaynestown"

Just keep walkin', preacher-man.
  - River, Firefly, "Jaynestown"

I'm lost, I'm angry... and I'm armed
  - Mal, Firefly, "War Stories"

My food is problematic
  - River, Firefly, "The Message"

 Book: What are we up to, sweetheart?
River: Fixing your Bible.
 Book: I, um, what?
River: Bible's broken. Contradictions, false logistics - doesn't make sense.
 Book: No, no. You - you can't...
River: So we'll integrate non-progressional evolution theory with God's creation of Eden. 11 inherent metaphoric parallels already there. Eleven. Important number. Prime number. One goes into the house of 11 11 times, but always comes out one. Noah's ark is a problem.
 Book: Really?
River: We'll have to call it "early quantum state phenomenon." Only way to fit 5000 species of mammal on the same boat.
 Book: Give me that. River, you don't...fix the Bible.
River: It's broken. Doesn't make sense.
 Book: It's not about making sense. It's about believing in something and letting that belief be real enough to change your life. It's about faith. You don't fix faith, River. It fixes you.
  - Book and River, Firefly, "Jaynestown"

I tore these out of your symbol and they turned into paper.
  - River on the Bible, Firefly, "Jaynestown"

You like ships. Don't seem to be looking at the destinations. What you care about is ships and mine's the nicest
  - Kaylee coaxing Book into boarding Serenity, Firefly

You can't just dig into me, shove twenty needles in my eyes and ask me what I see!
  - River, Firefly

River: That's wrong.
Simon: It's from the book River
River: No, the book is wrong. This whole conclusion is salacious.
  - Young River and Simon, Firefly, "Safe"